Monday, July 30, 2007

Its Been A While, and I'm So Far Away.

Ever heard these songs? They're by a band called Staind. They are in my mind one of if not the best band out there. Their sound is powerful, and their lyrics arent just words, but expressions. Between these two songs, my life can be summed up right now, today at this moment in time precisely. The fact that I'm even blogging this tells you how profoundly reborn I feel.

For two and a half miserable years, I slaved away at work. I didnt always want to be there but I figured 'what the hell. Its this or sit at home and become even more of an asshole.' So I worked. My first year out of highschool I drove to work with my uncle. With his extreme work habits I basically lost touch with all my friends. Being self concious and not very out going this was basically a sentence into purgatory. Hell was shortly to follow.

The more entrenched I became in work, the more I allowed myself to ignore the few friends I had left. Eventually I was entirely alone. And thats when I became what I always swore I would never become- namely a self pity-ing anti-socialite. It was always 'poor me. why is life treating me like this.' And the more I thought this the less inclined I felt to do anything about it. The rare invitation I got to go out, always made me nervous. 'Whos going to be there? Anyone I know? Where is it at? Have I been there before? Am i going to look like a fool?' So the automatic response soon became, 'No, sorry I've got plans.'

So here I sat hours on end every night, doing nothing more than playing games a 10 year old probably created while learning flash. And all the while I'd punish myself more and more mentally. It wasnt long before I hit rock bottom. I joined a site I started talking to people I would meet from that site. And I can tell myself and everyone else honestly, that while I would never meet someone in person just to meet them, everyone once in a while Id meet a girl who seemed interesting and she would become the focal point of my obsession. Unfortunately, the obsession would pass rather quickly and instead of facing the rejection I felt was inevitable, I would slam the door shut on them without a word of warning. I would only do this however once I had found someone to take their place.

This went on for quite a while, and never once did it make me feel better. But I kept on doing it. I dont know how many girls I hurt in 3 years, too many no matter the number, but my reasoning was always 'well they're better off without me around.' It was those kinds of actions and that kind of frame of mind that sunk me deeper and deeper into my depression. It had me firmly in its grips, and I was all too happy to oblige it was an accomodating host.

But in the last six to eight months my life has changed. And this is where the two songs in the title come in:

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

Perfectly summed up. I fucked up everything. For myself. Ive hurt others and have not apologized. This blog is a horrible way of doing it because well no one is going to read this anyways. For anyone who does make it this far, please even if you dont say a word, think those two simple words 'I'm Sorry' and help me amplify the message I wish I could tell everyone face to face.

This is my life
It's not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me 'cause
I must be sleeping
These are my words That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this smile
That I've never shown before

Theres a new sun on the horizon for me. I can look at it with a smile on my face, and not be afraid. The air has never smelled sweeter, the sun never felt warmer, the rain never sounded so full of life. With some new friends surrounding me, and someone I can truly say I love beside me, I'm ready to start living my life.

Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed
To be the person I am today.